Tuesday, September 22, 2009

33wks and Counting...

I am 33 wks pregnant tomorrow. Never mind that I am carrying the equivalent of a 37wk gestation baby!! He is our little rugby player - or, as we Palangi parents joke - our Tongan baby :)

It has been a long time since I last wrote in here. A lot has happened - the ups and downs of life and the ups and downs of being separated, dealing with issues that have come up regarding my mother (my counsellor says she feels that pregnancy has stirred those issues up) and being pregnant and on my own.

One of my goals was to ask for help, and I have done that. I've had to since I landed up in hospital overdoing things (really just trying to manage on my own) which sent my blood pressure through the roof. As a result, my husband has been coming down on a daily basis to help me with basic things like dishes and grocery shopping that I was really struggling with. My mother has FINALLY offered some help in her school holidays (she's a part-time teacher). My church seems to be slowly responding. And my friends have been visiting me and have said that they'd be there to help out when the baby arrives. It was hard to ask for help - I do feel ashamed at not being able to manage on my own (which comes from my past shame in relation to how I felt when my mother gave me anything). I would like to be independent - but being independent is quite lonely. And asking for help has made me feel loved and supported and like I am not alone in the world.

I have struggled over recent weeks with my relationship with my husband. He has not sought the help that I had asked him to find, or made enough of an effort (I felt) to show me that he took the situation seriously and wanted things to change so that we could trial his moving back home. When this dawned on me, I didn't "let go and let God" - more like I let rip!! Several weeks of not being up to going to Al-anon (in terms of health/fatigue) meant that I had lost my peace about the situation. And though I regret the way that I handled it, it eventually led to a discussion and some action on my husband's part. He has finally booked in for counselling starting next week. With my health in mind, we have agreed that this might also be the day he moves back in.

That last sentence fills me with trepidation! Ideally I had wanted him to have had sufficient time in counselling that things might have changed internally for him. Obviously just starting it next week won't have made one bit of difference, except to show me his commitment to getting help. Is a commitment to getting help enough or should I really be waiting for that counselling to make a difference in his life? Have I compromised too much? Will it be so premature that it sets us up for failure? Will counselling be sufficient - won't he also need AA and Anger Management? Will his motivation to attend either AA or Anger Management subside because I have allowed him to come home?

Suddenly I am full of anxiety for the future. Will my husband manage to keep his temper in check? His abuse? His manipulation? Will our arguments resurface and the yelling begin again?
Have I done the right thing? Made the right decision?

The circumstantial pressure has got to me a bit: my being heavily pregnant and not managing well on my own - especially with my recent health (high blood pressure) and our finances have taken a serious blow recently - and this has pushed the decision a bit.

Will it be wonderful to have him back again - or will it be a mistake? My anxiety is desperate for reassurance - all I can do is maintain my boundaries and hand the rest of it over to God. But have I compromised my boundaries on this occasion? Will I be able to maintain them when he's here?

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